


The Vast Corpsesmooch

by Know_Your_Paradoxes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adorable, Adorkable, Albino Dave, Alternate Universe - Corpse Bride (2005) Fusion, Ambiguous Relationships, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Asshole Eridan, Author Commentary, Author Filibuster in Chapter 5, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Crush, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Kissing, Awkward Romance, Awkwardness, Background Relationships, Best Friends, Black Romance, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Brother-Sister Relationships, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canon Relationships, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Childhood, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Childhood Sweethearts, Complicated Relationships, Corpses, Crushes, Cute, Cute Ending, Cutesy, Dead Karkat, Dead People, Death, Developing Relationship, Dorkiness, Dorks, Dorks in Love, Drama & Romance, Dysfunctional Relationships, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Established Relationship, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Female Friendship, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Fluffy Ending, Flush Crush, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Graphic Description, Graphic Description of Corpses, Humans In Troll Romances, Implied Relationships, Interspecies Romance, Kissing, Long-Term Relationship(s), Love, Love Triangles, Love/Hate, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Memories, Minor Canonical Character(s), Minor Character Death, Minor Character(s), Minor Injuries, Minor Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Minor Violence, Multi, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Off-screen Relationship(s), Other, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Past, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Platonic Romance, Recovered Memories, Red Romance, Relationship(s), Romance, Romantic Fluff, Secret Crush, Sweet, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Tragic Romance, Trolls on Earth, True Love, True Love's Kiss, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, Undecided Relationship(s), Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-08 11:08:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5494949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Know_Your_Paradoxes/pseuds/Know_Your_Paradoxes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider has been forced into a marriage that he doesn't even want to be a part of, but he's so afraid of what'll happen if he doesn't go through with it. When he decides to practice so that he doesn't mess up, he realizes he's done something very, VERY dangerous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. > Dave: Assess self.

Dave stood in the middle of his living room as he looked down at his sister Rose, who was adjusting his bow tie. "Rose, are you really sure about this? I mean, I've never met the chick."

Rose let out a small sigh before she answered him. "Honestly, Dave, no. I'm not so sure at all. Because if this goes about as well as I expect, Mother and Father are going to, uh... in your words... do an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle." She then continued trying to straighten his bow tie, as he simply stared out in front of him, wondering if things were ever going to work out the way he thought they would.

She made sure to rub away any lint that was sticking to his suit jacket before finally stepping back and giving him a quick assessment. "Good. You look presentable. I'm sure that Kanaya will appreciate the suit."

"Her name's Kanaya? For real? Like, you're telling me that I'm marrying a chick named KANAYA? Great, as if marrying someone I didn't fucking know wasn't enough, now she's a goddamn alien..."

"That's offensive, Dave. After all, you've met some of the trolls in town before, too. You used to be best friends with some of them," Rose reminded him, with one eyebrow raised.

Dave sighed as he remembered being a little kid. There was one kid that he was friends with named Karkat. He was a troll, and Dave still remembered him to this very day. It might be because of the fact that Karkat had died about a year ago. It had been plastered all across the newspapers, and the town had gobbled up the story like it was Thanksgiving dinner. Dave himself had been pretty caught up in all the excitement as well, but he had chosen to try and remember Karkat for who he was rather than to believe any of the stories surrounding his disappearance. His body had never even been found.

It made Dave a little upset that nobody had even bothered to try and give him a proper burial.

"Yeah, but that was years and years ago. Things have changed, Rose. You know that. People change, and so do weird fucking gray-skinned aliens. That's just how life works sometimes."

Rose nodded. "Whatever, Dave. Just... try to be accepting? This isn't for us. It's for the family. We DO have an image to uphold, you realize? If you don't go through with this, we could lose everything."

"I understand, I understand. I just don't want to be tied down with someone that I don't even CARE about. It's not like I could instantaneously fall in love with her. Like, 'oh shit, I just realized that you're the only person I've ever been in love with in my entire life, by the way, my name is Dave Strider, pleasure to make your acquaintance, mi amor.' Mom and Dad can suck it, I'm pissed the fuck off about this." He let out a sharp breath in Rose's direction, but she didn't even flinch.

She put a hand on Dave's shoulder before looking up into his eyes (well, more, into his glasses that he had modified as to not give away his eye color) and saying, "Dave. I'm your sister, and I really care about you. You know that I wouldn't want to make you do anything that wasn't for the greater good. You understand that sometimes, we all have to make choices that we're not one-hundred percent happy with. In fact, I'm not exactly thrilled at the prospect of this marriage, either. But you really do need to try and keep a straight face. If you're not going to do this for anyone else, do it for me. Or, hell, do it for your dad. This is for the good of all of us, Dave. I'm sure that you'll make the right decision in due time."

And with that, she took her hand off of his shoulder and began to walk for the door. She turned around as she was halfway through the doorway, looked at Dave, and said, "We'll be waiting in the carriage for when you decide to join us." She then turned back and walked out, shutting the door behind her and leaving Dave alone.

The house had never looked so dark and gloomy to him until then.

He stood up straight and headed for the closest mirror, which was in Rose's room upstairs. When he finally got there, he stood upright, once again, and looked at himself. The sharp tuxedo, the icon that he had begged Rose to add to it for him (a circle with a smaller circle inside of it, and a scratch through it, looking exactly like he had imagined it), the black and white contrast of the tux and the accessories... this wasn't Dave.

Whoever he was looking at, it wasn't him. He couldn't even recognize him.

He let out a small sigh. The whole ensemble could use a little more color. He was sure that Rose must have thrown a temper tantrum at not being able to add anything colorful to it. She was, after all, the seamstress. (Actually, her niche was more knitting, and most of her actual sewing was quite sloppy, but Dave refused to tell her that on the grounds that she might summon one of her Horrorterrors to come and consume his soul, assuming he actually had one to begin with.)

Which is why he removed his glasses.

He then looked at himself again. He had never noticed how red his eyes actually were before. His hair had always been this way--colorless, almost completely white. His skin wasn't much more colorful either. He looked like a ghost half the time. Or, at least, that's what others had told him. He blinked once before hastily grabbing the glasses back and putting them on again. He didn't want to wallow in his horrible, mutated genes for any longer than he had to.

There was nothing but the ticking of clocks that could be heard. Not even the sounds of his footsteps on the usually creaky floorboards. He wondered if life still had to be this way. He hated this house. He hated the creaky floorboards. He hated the antique springs on his bed. He hated the dust that accumulated EVERYWHERE. He hated how big it was, and how despite that, it always felt small and empty. He hated the stained ceiling tiles from all of the leaks that usually sprung when it was rainy. He hated the torn wallpaper in almost every room, and the faded colors. He hated the staircase and how all of the steps were steep enough to make a trained hiker feel like they were excavating on Mount Everest. He hated that almost everything that wasn't wallpaper looked like it was painted the darkest shade of black. He hated the tiles in the bathroom and kitchen that looked immaculate despite not having been properly cleaned ever since he was born, maybe even longer than that.

He supposed that the only way to get out of this horrible house was to marry into Kanaya's family, since they were supposedly so rich and powerful. Maybe then he could live in a house that WASN'T completely devoid of color.

Like he himself was. Always.

He groaned as he stood in front of the doorway. Taking a deep breath, his entire body shook as he gripped the door handle. He had never been more afraid in his life. Ever since he was little, he had been dreading this day. He had always supposed that he knew that they would arrange a marriage for him. He had never been able to make any choices for himself anyway. His dad (he liked to call him his "bro" more than his "dad", because he had never been any type of father to him) had pretty much dictated everything he did ever since he was a little kid.

Dave's only choice was being friends with Karkat Vantas.

There was nothing left for Dave to do but accept his fate yet again. Like he had been doing for his entire life. He was resigned to what others decided for him. And, while he loved Rose very much, she was no better than their Mom or Dad. She was never defiant like Dave was. He had always been a troublesome child, and she had always been a beaming, smiling, ever-listening angel. It was like she WANTED her life to be exactly the way that they intended it to be.

As he twisted the handle, he felt a small sting surge through his arm and into his body. He wanted to scream. This wasn't what he wanted. This was never what he had wanted. He hated that he was compelled to even go to this stupid rehearsal. Everything about this was wrong and he didn't want to be any part of it. He was sure that this Kanaya girl was a lovely person, but he had no way of knowing otherwise. In fact, he WASN'T sure if she was a lovely person or not, because he had never met her once in his entire life. For all he knew, she could be a horrible person, and he would never have a way of ever being completely and totally sure. She could be the worst person ever, or she could just as easily be the greatest.

But Dave really wasn't feeling up to taking on the task of finding out by experience.

With his eyes closed, he stepped out of the doorway and into the outdoors. The air was cold, and it almost felt like it was trying to cut him open, just to see him bleed. Dave felt a whimper come out of his throat, but it wasn't loud enough for any of his family to hear it.

As he opened the carriage door, Rose slid over to the other side in order to make room for him. He couldn't believe that he was about to go through with this. He sat down with a plop onto the seat and awaited for the comments about his tux from his mom and dad.

"You look handsome, David," said Mom Lalonde, with the same drunken lilt to her voice as usual. "Although the little circle thingy was really pointless."

Dave nodded. "I just figured I might add something to make it more... me, I guess? And Rose helped with it. She did the sewing, I did the design."

"Well, the sewing looks nice. It's just that the design leaves... a lot to be desired."

Dave hung his head in response. He had thought that the design wasn't bad. He agreed that Rose had done a good job with it, but he was a bit saddened by the fact that Mom didn't approve of it. He shouldn't have been. He was expecting it. Neither she nor Bro approved of much that Dave did. But at the same time, it stung all the same.

Dave looked over to Bro, while Mom cleared her throat and put a hand onto his leg. "Dear? Don't you think David looks handsome in his suit? I'm sure that Kanaya will like him."

Bro raised his head and looked at Dave. His eyes could pierce even through his glasses. Dave felt his forehead break into a nervous sweat as Bro assessed him, looking up and down, scanning him for any imperfections, which he was sure to comment on. He took a quick glance over at Rose, who looked back at him with almost a sympathetic expression. When Dave looked back at Bro, he was STILL scanning him. He was sure that this had to be the third assessment by now.

It felt like an eternity had passed before Bro simply returned to his slouch and said, "He looks the same. Just with a tux."

Dave was relieved that Bro had decided not to comment on anything else.

There was an awkward silence for maybe five seconds. "Well, I think that he looks handsome. I'm almost certain that Kanaya will like you. She's a very fashionable and impressive young lady, so I'm sure that maybe she'll appreciate your... additions... to the tuxedo," Mom replied, after she cleared her throat. She was clearly trying to break the silence, but it didn't really seem to do much.

Bro looked at Rose, then back to Dave, and then finally, his eyes settled on the bottom of the carriage. Dave was almost glad that the drive wasn't very far. At least he didn't have to be confined with them in the carriage for any longer than necessary. In fact, if all went well, he could maybe convince Kanaya to let him stay the night at her place so that he didn't have to be around them until the ceremony. He was almost excited now that he thought about it. He hoped that no one else in the carriage knew how much he didn't want to be a part of their "family".

If this was what a "family" was, Dave hoped he'd never have to start one with Kanaya.

There was a bump in the road, but nothing too unusual for the ride there. Dave actually kind of got a kick out of seeing Bro jump in his seat like he'd just witnessed Rose doing witchcraft.

He was elated when they finally got there. As the door to the carriage was opened, he waited for his mother and father to get out, before he got off of his seat and stepped out of the carriage, and back into the chill of the outside air. This time, it didn't feel so much like it was trying to cut into him as it was trying to comfort him and reassure him that everything was going to be alright.


	2. > Dave: Woo this troll damsel.

As soon as he stepped into the Maryam house, he could tell that he was going to hate it potentially more than his own.

That meant a lot of things to Dave. For one, it meant the potential of her family being just as bad, if not worse than his own, which was already had enough as it was. For another, it meant that this marriage wasn't going to go well, in all likelihood. He let out a sigh as he stepped forward more, making sure he wasn't blocking the doorway for Rose.

Rose walked until she was standing beside Dave, the two of them close, but not enough to hold hands or accidentally bump shoulders.

"Are you nervous?" she asked, leaning over to whisper to him.

He shrugged. "Kind of, kind of not. Like, I have no doubts in my mind that she'll totally dig me. For one, I'm fuckin' hot, have you even seen me? Like... I'm a mix of Ryan Gosling and Channing Tatum up in this, riding in on a white horse, about to seduce the FUCK out of this troll broad. I'm her goddamn Prince Charming, and she's my Cinderella."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Not with that attitude, you aren't. Don't you think you should maybe try to be a little more sensitive? Plus, you don't even KNOW her. You don't know anything about her tastes. She could be a very lovely lady, and a high-upstanding individual. She might not have time for your terrible misogynistic charms. She might be the one doing the heroic saving, brother."

Dave shook his head. "Nah, I doubt it. I'm majestic as fuck, you know."

He heard a small giggle come out of Rose's mouth, but he knew that she was getting tired of his antics. Rose didn't take any bullshit, and Dave knew that perfectly well. She was a lot like their father, now that he mentioned it--both were cynical, precise, and didn't stand for any crap from anyone. But Rose wasn't completely heartless and cold like Bro was. Bro was much worse off than Rose ever could be. Dave knew that perfectly well. There were times when he couldn't stand his sister, because she was so much like him, and there were times when she couldn't stand Dave, because he was so much like their mother. At any rate, they were still siblings, and both of them cared about one another, whether they wanted to admit it or not.

Mom and Bro turned to face Rose and Dave. "Where are the Maryams, anyway?" asked Mom. "We did tell Dolorosa that we were coming to begin the rehearsal at noon, right, dear?"

Bro looked over to Mom, and answered, "I told her like you wanted me to, and they said that would be fine, and that they'd have everything set up already. Apparently, that was a lie. But, there's no use in leaving now that we're here. We may as well try and get them to come out and meet us."

Suddenly, there was a slamming near the top of the stairs. "Oh, no need!" exclaimed a voice. It sounded distinctly feminine.

All heads turned (Mom and Bro turning back around to face the staircase) to look at where the voice came from. There stood a troll woman with light gray skin, covered in tattoos. She wore a very elegant black dress with green accents that seemed to accentuate her figure (as well as her cleavage, as Dave noticed almost immediately). Dave could hear Mom whispering about her to Bro, saying how she was "tasteless in her clothing" and that she should "try wearing something other than a thin bed sheet wrapped around her for once in her life". Bro didn't seem to mind it, however. Dave could tell that he was ogling her through his glasses.

Standing next to her, on a step stool, was a short troll boy, who looked quite a bit younger than her. Dave was a bit creeped out at the thought that he might be her husband. He was wearing a red sweater that looked about three sizes too big, with a necklace that showed the symbol Karkat Vantas used to wear on his chest. Now that Dave mentioned it, he reminded him quite a bit of Karkat.

The boy stepped down from the step stool and linked arms with the troll woman, as they descended the steps together.

Once they were both off the steps, they stood almost directly parallel to Mom and Bro, close enough that they could be mistaken as being old friends. The woman gave a big smile, as Dave noticed that she had piercings in her eyebrows, her lip, and her ears. This was fairly uncommon, but Dave knew that since the Maryams were apparently a wealthy family, this was probably just a way for the matriarch to show her status.

"Hello! My name's Porrim Maryam. I'm Kanaya's sister, and also sort of her maid. Our mother is out right now. I'm pleased to meet you both, however." She gave Mom and Bro both a handshake, and Dave saw Mom wipe her hand on her skirt as Porrim looked away.

The troll boy spoke after she was done. "And my name is Kankri Vantas. I'm an adopted son into the family. Nice to meet you."

Dave felt his throat tighten as he heard the boy say his name. Vantas. He was Karkat's older brother. Surely Kankri recognized him? Dave and Karkat had been nigh inseparable when they were younger. He whispered "fuck" to himself quietly, but apparently just loud enough for Rose to hear, as she nudged him with her elbow. Kankri then gave Bro and Mom handshakes as Porrim walked past them and towards Dave and Rose.

A nervous sweat broke onto Dave's forehead.

"Nice to see you again, Rose. I'm glad to see that you've been doing well. And you must be Dave," Porrim said, with the smile on her face only getting bigger. "You're quite the handsome young man. I'm sure that Kanaya will get along with you just fine." Porrim ruffled his hair, which incited a gasp from Dave.

"Whoa, watch the hair, future sister-in-law. If I'm going to look good for my fiancee, I need to keep my hair in pique condition."

Porrim let out a laugh that pierced the air. Dave realized suddenly that he didn't hate this house, nor did he hate the family. He had the strange feeling that he was going to like the Maryams more than he ever liked the Lalonde-Striders.

But he was much more excited that Kankri Vantas was there. Maybe talking to him would shed some light on what happened to the only true friend Dave had ever had. Or maybe talking to Kankri would only serve to make Dave feel even worse about the ordeal than he already did.

"Well, you've got spunk. I like you, kid," Porrim said, putting a hand on Dave's shoulder. She then walked away and back to where she and Kankri had originally been standing. "I should get back to helping Kanaya with her dress, but it was nice meeting you all, and nice seeing you again, Rose! I'll meet you once the rehearsal starts!" She waved as she walked back upstairs.

Kankri gave a nervous laugh as he said, "I suppose that I don't really have much place here anyway. I should get going. I need to get things set up for the rehearsal. My dad is supposed to preside over the wedding. We're really big into the religious stuff, you know. Well, anyway, if anybody wants to wait in there while we get things ready for the ceremony, feel free to join me."

He took his leave, and Mom nudged Bro in the arm to follow her as she went along with Kankri.

That left Rose and Dave. "So, uh... you know Porrim?" he asked.

Rose nodded. "Yeah, I met her while I was talking to Kanaya a couple of times. Kanaya and I are the ones that have been doing most of the talking about the wedding. She sounds excited, but she's also quite nervous, too. She worries that she's not going to live up to your standards, but since you don't HAVE any of those, I told her that she should be fine."

"Aww, thanks, Rose, you shouldn't have," Dave replied, oozing sarcasm.

Rose caught wind of this, giving him a cocky smirk. Her eyebrows wiggled up and down, as if she were gloating in her comeback. She then began to walk out, following the direction that Kankri and their parents had walked in. "Wait here for Kanaya, and then whenever you're ready, come start the rehearsal. And, Dave, please... treat her well, for me. Alright?"

Dave nodded, and with that Rose, gave a shy smile and walked out of the room.

That gave Dave almost all of the information that he needed to know. Rose had been meeting with Kanaya so often because she was in love with her. Dave had already known about his sister's preferences--she had told him before, and they had bonded a lot over this. He had thought more about himself after that as well. There were so many things he was wondering about. What if Kanaya was actually a lesbian like Rose and she was just as unhappy about this arrangement as he was? What if Rose and Kanaya were both in love with one another and he was ruining their chances with one another?

He let out a sigh before looking around the big open area. He noticed a piano, and immediately his mind was drawn to the music he wrote in his spare time. He had always had a knack for music, and a lot of people had called his music strange and unusual. He didn't care that they didn't embrace it. He loved writing music and it was something that he was good at. He didn't even have instruments (save for Rose's violin, that he couldn't play for the life of him) at his house.

And now that he had a piano in his midst, he was finally able to unleash his true musical potential.

He remembered back when he and Rose had a piano. He loved having a piano, and he'd had lessons that Bro had paid for ever since he was about 4 years old. But when he turned 13, Bro and Mom had gotten into a knockdown, drag out fight that had resulted in the piano getting broken (Bro may or may not have been trying to strife against Mom, and Mom may or may not have been pushed into the piano really hard, because Bro may or may not have basically teleported to her blind spot and he may or may not have pushed her into the piano, and as a result, Rose and Dave may or may not have been sent away from them by Child Protective Services for a month.), and because of that, Dave had never really gotten to play it much since.

But as soon as his fingers hit the keys, he remembered everything. His fingers danced around the ivory, and the resulting music came straight out of his heart. He had remembered how to play almost every song, and he was currently in the middle of playing something great. He didn't even hear the footsteps coming down the stairs.

"You play beautifully," a calm, precise voice said. This startled Dave, and he jumped a little. He stopped playing to turn in his seat to look at the person that the voice came from.

"Uh, thanks," he said, with a shy smile on his face. The girl in front of him had to be Kanaya. She wore a symbol on her dress that looked like an M with a curl at the end of it, and the top of it was black (save for the M, which was colored in jade), while the bottom was red. She wore a pink ribbon around her waist. Her lips were a jade green. Dave was pleasantly surprised. She was a very lovely person, but she simply didn't seem to be his type. He gave a polite smile like he was taught to as he introduced himself. "I'm Dave. I guess you must be Kanaya, then."

She let out a giggle, nodding slightly. "Yes, that's me. And you're Dave. Rose has talked about you quite a bit. She's very funny. I promise, she's said only good things. Well, MOSTLY good things."

Dave gave a nervous laugh. "Yeah, she's made me quite aware."

Kanaya's smile got a little wider. "I suppose that if she's told you this, then she's also told you that I'm not particularly fond of this arrangement either."

"I guess you could say that. Rose has talked about you a lot, though. If I didn't know better, I'd say that you'd rather prefer to marry her instead."

That prompted a blush from Kanaya, which only confirmed Dave's suspicions. He smirked and patted the side of the bench beside him, prompting her to sit down next to him. She took the hint and sat down, as he began to play once again.

As his fingers flew across the keys, Kanaya asked, "How long have you known how to play the piano?"

"Since I was 4. I haven't played for a long time, though. My piano got broken when I was 13. How about you?"

"Oh no," Kanaya answered. "I never learned. Kankri's brother always used to play this, and whenever Kankri moved in, his father sent it with him. It's a way of remembering Karkat, I suppose."

Dave nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. He wasn't ready for this yet. He hated that Karkat was still so close to him. They hadn't talked for almost 10 years now. Why couldn't he get over everything? Why couldn't he accept that Karkat was gone and that he would never get to see him again? Why couldn't he forgive himself for something he had no part in? Why couldn't he move on from being his best friend as a kid? Why couldn't he...

He stopped. He needed to quit thinking. If he kept thinking, he was going to upset himself. He needed to focus on what was happening to him right now. And right now, he was wooing the fuck out of a troll lady.

"So, uh... you and Karkat used to be good friends, right?" she asked.

Goddammit.

He tried to nod a little, but he could feel tears welling up behind his glasses. He wanted to let the tears go, but he couldn't. He needed to remain strong, because he was expected to get through rehearsal.

"I'm sorry for bringing it up. I know that Karkat really cared about you, because he would never stop talking about you. It's funny. I always wondered if maybe Karkat would be the person that you'd marry. And now I've lately been thinking about how things would be if I married Rose. I suppose now everything's been happening in the reverse order, and Karkat is gone..."

Dave couldn't help but let out the sharp breath he had been trying to hold back. A single tear fell onto the lenses of his glasses, and he closed his eyes to take them off and wipe it away.

Kanaya put an arm around him as she said, "It's been tough for me, too, but Karkat would want us all to stay strong. He would've hated to have seen you crying like this."

Dave put his glasses back on and regained his composure. "Yeah, I always thought that I might've been marrying Karkat, too. But I guess things change, huh?"

And with that, Dave stood from the stool, said, "I'll be waiting for you whenever you're ready to start rehearsal," and walked into the rehearsal space, still fighting back tears.


	3. > Dave: Don't fuck this up.

It felt like ages had passed until Kanaya finally said that she was ready to begin the recital. Dave thanked God that he was finally going to get this over with, and then he'd be able to go home, move on with his life, and then get married to her so that he could finally be left alone and in peace. The Maryams seemed like good people, and despite his first thoughts, Kanaya was a very nice person. He could see himself becoming part of their family. Their house no longer felt cold and unwelcoming like his own, it felt much more inviting and promising to him now. As he thought about it, he smirked to himself.

But when Kanaya walked in wearing her wedding dress, Dave didn't feel overjoyed, like most grooms should be when they see their bride for the first time. He felt more afraid and pressured than he ever had before. Suddenly he was starting to wonder if he was really sure that this was what he had wanted. Sure, this would mean getting to live away from the terrors of the Lalonde-Strider residence (hell, they couldn't even agree to share a last name, nor could their children), but was it really worth it? After all, living with Kankri and his dad would mean constant reminding that Dave had never done anything to save Karkat, and that he had been a terrible friend to him. Dave wasn't sure if he could live with that for the rest of his life, every day, until the day he too succumbed to death. He wasn't sure if he was EVER going to be able to live with the constant reminder of Karkat.

He had never been one for reminiscing, but he missed Karkat. He missed him so much. He hated how much he regretted not being there for him more. Karkat had been a great friend to him, and Dave had let him down. And now Karkat was dead, and Dave missed him, and holy shit, he thought that maybe he loved him. He had been so close with him when they were children, and he hated it and he wanted his thoughts to stop so badly and he loved him and he hated loving him and he wanted to get this over with and he was sorry and he was angry at himself for loving Karkat simply because he was the only person he hadn't been forced to talk to in his entire life and he was about to get married and become Kankri's brother-in-law but not the right way and STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.

Dave shut his eyes tightly and bit his lip, hoping that nobody was paying attention to him. After all, nobody looked at the groom whenever the bride walked in, right?

Kanaya managed to get where Dave was standing, and noticed him biting his lip. She gave a small whisper, as to indicate that she was truly worried about him. "Dave? Are you sure that you're going to be alright?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I just... I was thinking about what you said earlier and you might be-"

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the union between David Strider-"

Dave cleared his throat before correcting the pastor. "Actually, it's just Dave. Always has been, always will be."

Vantas looked displeased (Dave didn't actually know Karkat's dad's name, so he just simply took to calling him Vantas, since he knew that had to be his last name, even though many called him the Signless, which Dave still didn't understand, considering that his kids DID have a sign), but cleared his throat and continued nonetheless. "Between Dave Strider and Kanaya Maryam. If anyone here objects to this union, please, speak now or forever hold your peace."

The entire room was completely silent, until the doors opened.

"Well, hello there!" cooed a feminine voice. Dave was confused for a good while, since this girl looked like another troll. He hadn't known many trolls when he was younger, only Karkat, so he wasn't really used to the trolls quite yet.

She wore a long, black overcoat. She had a smile on her face, showcased in bright cobalt lipstick. One eye was covered with a modification to her glasses, like Dave had done to his own, only hers had an interesting design on the front of it, that kind of looked like a flower. Underneath the overcoat, she wore a skimpy black dress similar to that of Porrim's, but even more scandalous, and she had an embroidered M that looked much like the Maryam family symbol, only with a tail on the end of it instead of a loop.

Dave wondered if she was a distant relative, or an adopted sibling, like Kankri. Either way, he knew from just one glance that she was going to be nothing but trouble.

Her smirk told him almost everything he needed to know, anyway.

Pastor Vantas looked confused for a second, but regained his stoic composure and asked her, "Who are you?"

The troll woman gave another sly smirk, even bigger than the first. "My name is Vriska Serket. I'm an aristocrat in town and I'm here to observe the wedding. Don't mind me, I'm simply another guest."

Everyone looked around at one another, seemingly as if to ask one another "Did you invite her?", with no answers to be found. There was an awkward silence in the air as Pastor Vantas returned to the ceremony.

"Alright, now, it's time to say your vows. Master Strider, you will go first."

Dave cleared his throat, suddenly unable to remember his vows. He felt the sweat on his forehead getting even worse than it already was. And that was bad, because usually he was always so suave and slick, and able to keep up that facade.

But now that it came time, and he was remembering everything, he couldn't keep it up any longer. He felt like he was starting to break apart. Like into tiny little pieces.

"Uh... w-with this hand," he began, as he lifted his right hand, "I will lift... your sorrows. Your cup will never empty, for I... will be your... your cup."

Everyone else let out a slight gasp, but Kanaya gave him a small, reassuring smile. Pastor Vantas sighed and turned to look at Dave. "Master Strider, once again, from the beginning."

"Yeah, uh... with this hand, I will lift... your cup-"

"Master. Strider. From the beginning. Again. 'With this hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine. With this candle, I will light your way in darkness. With this ring, I ask you to be mine.'"

Dave looked around, first at his parents. Mom didn't seem to care much, since she was still drunk off her ass. Bro had his face in his palms. And Rose was sitting quietly. She gave him a hopeful stare and a patient smile. Then he looked at Kanaya's family. Her mom, who had finally gotten there, looked angry, and both Porrim and Kankri seemed a bit worried. And then he looked at Kanaya. She was still smiling. She mouthed "It's fine" to him. He gave a quiet nod to her and cleared his throat.

"With this hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine. With this candle, I will light your way in darkness. With this ring..." he began, as he fumbled around in his pocket. The most horrible thing he ever thought imaginable was happening to him right now.

Pastor Vantas gave a loud, piercing "AHEM" that nearly scared the living daylights out of Dave. "The ring?" he asked.

Dave gave a nervous laugh out of instinct and kept fumbling around for the ring he had put in the pocket of his suit pants. "I-I-I promise that it's in here somewhere, I just need to find it, alright? J-Just give me a couple seconds, sir, I know it's here-"

"The ring, boy! We need the ring! Did you forget it?"

"No, I didn't, and if you would give me a little more TIME then I would be able to GET the ring out of my pocket!" Dave answered, again, his voice getting less calm and raising a bit more in volume. He was seriously getting impatient with Pastor Vantas. Is this why Karkat was always grumpy? Did he inherit it from his asshole father?

"We can't wait! If you're to be married, then you MUST produce the rings!"

"OKAY!" he yelled, angrily. He flung his hand out of his pocket, with the ring in it. The speed at which his hand flew, however, made the ring suddenly fly out of his hand, about three feet into the air. He let out a little yelp as the families in the pews panicked. Even Pastor Vantas, who had been so stoic before appeared shocked. Dave tried desperately to catch it, but to no avail, as the ring landed on the floor and began to roll around.

"Dropping the ring! This boy does NOT want to be married!" cried out Pastor Vantas.

Dave wanted to curse at him, but he refrained. Instead, he tried to search for the ring on the floor. He caught glimpse of it as it rolled towards the table near where the Dolorosa (or Mama Maryam, as Dave liked to refer to her) was sitting in the pews, and he lunged for it, not realizing that there were candles there. He grinned as he finally grasped the ring in his hand.

But as soon as he thought that he was out of the woods, he looked up to see the Dolorosa, and she was HISSING at him. He got up without any hesitation and looked down to the floor, to notice that the hem of her dress was on fire.

Apparently, the actual part of the vows was "with this candle, I will set your mother on fire".

"Oh fuck," Dave said, on impulse. Everyone in the audience gasped, save for Kankri, who simply mumbled, "Offensive language tw."

Pastor Vantas shut the book in front of him and yelled out, "ENOUGH! This wedding cannot take place until he is properly prepared!" He turned to face Dave and said, in a low voice, "Young man, learn your vows!" And with that, he took his leave, mumbling under his breath in a language that Dave didn't recognize.

Dave stood in defeat, almost being knocked over by Kanaya, as she ran to her mother to assist in putting out the fire.

Mom and Bro still sat in their same seats in their pew, with Mom giving a loud hiccup and suggesting that they try pouring the wine from the glass on it to smother it. Rose simply put a palm to her face, in utter annoyance that she had to deal with such incompetence.

But Bro's gaze broke through Dave's glasses. Only his could ever REALLY do that. He had that effect.

And suddenly, without so much as another thought, Bro said, "You will never be my son."

Dave was frozen in place for a solid minute, just echoing what Bro had told him through his head. He had truly loved his father, and he would've done anything for him. Despite him knowing that he had been raised poorly (and abusively, if he were to add to it), he had truly wanted Bro's approval.

And then he ran.

As the towncrier (Dave thought that he remembered that his name was John, or something of the sort) yelled out "HEAR YE, HEAR YE! DAVE STRIDER ROYALLY SCREWS UP WEDDING REHEARSAL! CONSIDERATION THAT PERHAPS STRIDER IS AN ADOPTED MEMBER OF THE FAMILY! MARYAMS WONDERING HOW THE FUCK THEY MANAGED TO SET DAUGHTER UP WITH AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC JELLYFISH!" (or, if those weren't his exact words, they may as well have been), Dave ran out of town. He could hear the voice ringing from the middle of the woods.

"Fuck, she must think I'm insane. Like, insane in the MEMBRANE, which is pretty much the most insane anyone can get without not being able to form proper words. Today fucking sucks."

He kept walking into the heart of the forest, finally stopping in a clearing. And he sat there, on one of the tree stumps, trying to figure out his life. "I mean, it's just a few simple vows, right? How hard can that be? And yet I still fucked it up, like the miserable pile of failure that I am. Way to go, Strider." He scoffed, trying to piece together the vows again.

"With this hand, I will take your wine... No..."

He stood up, in thought, pacing around the snowy forest floor. He groaned in frustration, the words not completely coming to him. Why couldn't he ever get anything right?

"With this hand... I will cup your..."

Dave let immaturity take hold, and he began to put his hands out in front of him, mimicking the action of fondling a woman's breasts.

He grinned and shook his head. "Nah, that comes AFTER the wedding, if I play my cards right."

As he kept pacing, the words suddenly became very clear to him. He felt a surge of confidence in his chest. "With this hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine."

He then turned to a tree that had a branch sticking out in his direction, and reached out for it. "Ah, Porrim. You look absolutely ravishing this evening." He faced another tree. "What's that, Mrs. Maryam? Call you 'Mom'? If you insist, ma'dam."

He fished for the ring in his pocket once again, finding it and holding it firmly in his left hand--his dominant hand. (Whenever neither his mother nor father were looking, he used his left hand to do pretty much everything. Mom had always believed in the superstition that left-handedness was a sign of the Devil, and thus she made Dave use his right in her presence, even though he still could never write anything legible with his right. Still, it made all the more humor to add to his comics.)

"With this candle, I will light your way in darkness. With this ring..." He suddenly noticed a tree limb protruding from the ground that eerily looked like a hand, and walked towards it, with the ring still in his hand. "I ask you to be mine."

There was a slight chill to the air on his back as he slipped the ring onto one of the "fingers" of the "hand" that was sticking up. He smirked as he finally remembered the vows.

After a few moments had passed, he began to question why he had even done that. 

Ridiculous folly. Inexcusable.

He proceeded to try and grab the ring back from the root, only to find that he couldn't. He was truly baffled for a second before he suddenly saw the ground near him starting to protrude. "What the..." he began, trying to make sense of what could possibly be going on. As he kept thinking, he noticed that the ground was moving in a very... strange shape. Like, almost as if someone was trying to dig their way out of being buried in there. He immediately dismissed the idea.

"I do," a voice said, with a scratchy sound to it. Dave gulped a little, wondering if maybe he was actually correct in his first assumption. But once again, he simply chalked it up to him being nervous and perhaps a bit paranoid.

But then as soon as he saw a rotting corpse in a tux, he knew that it was time to bolt.

Dave let out a loud scream as he kept running, away from the zombie that was chasing him. Or at least he presumed it was a zombie. He hadn't stayed around long enough to tell.

He couldn't have cared any less that it was the middle of winter and he was running through about 5 inches of snow. He didn't even care that he was about to run across a frozen lake. He didn't care that he could fall THROUGH said lake and freeze to death, ultimately becoming the corpse.

But goddammit, he was getting away from whoever this zombie freak thought they were.

He kept running, and he kept running, but once he got to the bridge leading into town, he stopped. Could he go back and face everyone again? Did he WANT to? Would he rather spend a life with the Maryams feeling miserable, a life with his own family feeling even MORE miserable, or end his life now and not have to face either?

That choice was made for him, as he felt a cold hand on his back. Another hand cupped his cheek, and Dave noticed that it was nothing but bones.

"You may kiss the groom," said the same voice from before. This time, however, Dave could've sworn that he recognized the voice. He was too panicked to think of a name, but he definitely knew that he had heard it. All he cared about was getting away from this zombie, mutant, cadaver thing.

But he was too late, as the corpse had already closed the gap between them, with its lips planted directly onto Dave's.


	4. > Dave: Enter the Land of Corpses and Memories.

There was only one appropriate word that could describe what was going through Dave's mind at the time, and that word was 'FUCK'.

What the hell had happened to him? Why did it happen? Who the fuck was the creepy zombie asshole that had just macked on him like there was no tomorrow? All of these questions were fluttering through Dave's head, all at once. He couldn't open his eyes. He couldn't tell if he was still wearing his sunglasses or not. Whatever was happening shouldn't be, that much he knew for sure. But other than that, he was so lost.

"A neww arrivval," muttered a voice he couldn't understand. It had an accent, and the 'w' at the end of the word 'new', as well as the 'v' in 'arrival' were doubled in his speech.

"He must've fin-ted!" shouted another, higher-pitched voice. Dave would've cringed at the fish pun if he could've.

"aRE YOU ALRIGHT?" asked another voice. He couldn't tell if it was a male or female voice, but either way, it wasn't entirely pleasant-sounding to the ears.

Dave could finally open his eyes, so he did. The three people around him were all trolls. One of them had a purple streak in his hair, and he looked eerily like the kid he had always heard old stories about, the one that had a scar and could cast magic spells. Except this kid looked much nerdier and more sad. Also, he had been cut in half. His lower half was covered in violet. Another had bright pink glasses and a trident in her hand. Dave immediately recognized her as the troll that made the horrid fish pun. She had a hole in the middle of her chest, that Dave could almost see through. Her shirt was stained with deep mauve blood. The last had long horns that made him look like a bull, a mohawk, and his legs were completely gone. His lower half had been replaced by robotic legs, but there were still streaks of dark orange blood, looking almost like it was the rust on the metal of his legs. All of them must've died very recently, he presumed.

"What...? What happened?" he asked, feeling his voice slowly starting to come back to him as well.

The nerdy, fishy-looking one looked at the other two with panic in his eyes. "By JOVVE! Looks like wwe'vve got ourselvves a breather!"

Another troll suddenly came to the forefront. She looked oddly pleased at hearing that Dave was still alive. Her lips were deep red, and her horns made her look kind of like a ram. "D0es he have a dead br0ther?" she asked, her voice breathy and quiet.

Dave certainly hoped that he didn't have a dead brother.

He let out a yelp when he felt another troll grabbing at his arms and legs. This one had two horns on each side of his head. One of his eyes was completely black, the other was white, like the rest of the trolls'. He had two prominent fangs sticking out of his mouth, too. "He'th thill thoft," he said, with a heavy lisp.

"A toast, then!" yelled another voice. Dave couldn't see who was saying it, so he had no idea who it might've possibly been.

"Tuna n-eel-yweds!" yelled the fish pun troll. He assumed she had meant to say something close to "To the newlyweds!", but it just came out sounding like a terrible stand-up act. Dave wanted to throw up, but he was too frightened by what was going on.

"N-eel-y...weds?" he asked.

Then, finally, the voice of the corpse that had kissed him earlier came to light. Dave couldn't mistake that voice. He knew it had to be it's. He still wasn't sure whether it was a male or female corpse, though. "IN THE WOODS, DUMBASS. DON'T TELL ME YOU FORGOT ALREADY. YOU SAID YOUR VOWS, ALTHOUGH YOUR DELIVERY LEAVES A LOT TO BE DESIRED."

Dave removed his sunglasses and rubbed his eyes, trying to adjust his vision. What the hell did the corpse actually look like, now that he wasn't running away from it in complete fear? What GENDER was it, for starters?

"I did?" he asked.

The corpse nodded. "YOU FUCKING DID. CONGRATULATIONS, HOW ABOUT YOU GET A FUCKING MEDAL?"

Dave wanted to scream. Why was this happening? How could he get back to his home? How could he manage to get the ring back? Who the fuck WAS this skeleton dude? (He had concluded that the skeleton was indeed, a male, since they were wearing a tux and all. Although he supposed that they could just be wearing a tux for purely aesthetic reasons, and that was okay, too.)

And why did he recognize their voice?

"B-But... that isn't possible. What the fuck is going on here? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" he yelled, feeling himself beginning to lose his grip on reality. This had to be a bad dream. It just HAD to be.

The fish troll looked to the lisp troll with a confused expression, then she turned her attention to the tux-clad corpse. "Did you REEL-Y not tell him who you were? Stop being so KOI about everything! He's going to be herring about it soon anyway!"

"Yeah, theriouthly. Not cool, man."

"Wwhy didn't you tell him? You and him are MARRIED noww for Pete's sake!"

"Y0u really sh0uld have t0ld him, y0u kn0w."

The corpse looked a bit scared of the rest of them ganging up on him, but he shook his head and interjected anyway. "SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALL OF YOU. I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE ALL EAGER TO FIND THE FAULTS IN ME NOT GIVING THE BREATHER ANY INFORMATION BEFORE HE PUT A RING ON IT, BUT I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT WHILE WE WERE ALIVE, I DID SO MUCH SHIT FOR ALL OF YOU GUYS. AND WHAT DID I GET IN RETURN? NOT A SINGLE FUCKING THING. SO YOU ALL SHOULD BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ME. YAY, BITCHY LEADER FINALLY GETS HIS STUPID ALTERNIAN HAPPY ENDING, KISS KISS FUCK SHIT UP, THE END, ROLL CREDITS, STARRING TROLL ADAM FUCKING SANDLER BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT."

Dave rubbed his eyes once again, trying to bring himself back to his senses. He recognized this voice. He recognized who the corpse was.

He looked up at him, into the bright white eyes that now were staring right at his. He had never felt so scared and yet so safe at the same time. This was an entirely new feeling for him, and Dave wasn't completely sure whether or not he really liked it. Either way, it wasn't about to go away any time soon, because he had just realized where he recognized that voice.

"K... Karkat? Is that you?" he asked, mouth agape in surprise at the conclusion he had just reached.

"IN THE FLESH AND FILTHY, FUCKED-UP CANDY RED BLOOD, STRIDER. NOW WOULD YOU KINDLY STAND THE FUCK UP AND TALK TO ME LIKE A NORMAL PERSON INSTEAD OF STARING AT ME LIKE I'M INFECTED WITH 'FRIENDSHIP'? I DON'T MUCH APPRECIATE IT, SURPRISINGLY."

Dave felt his heartbeat start to quicken a little as he saw Karkat reach a hand out to help him. (The one that was still in tact, thank goodness. Dave would've seriously done flipped off the handle if he had been touched with the bony hand again.)

(No, not just FLIPPED. He would've done an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle.)

He took Karkat's hand in his and got to his feet, making sure to linger on Karkat's hand for as long as he could before he eventually pulled his hand away. But instead of Karkat pulling his hand away like Dave thought he was going to, instead, he kept holding onto Dave's hand.

Dave could feel his cheeks getting a little bit warmer with every couple of seconds that passed.

"wELL, iSN'T THAT CUTE, lOOKS LIKE KARKAT'S HAPPY," the mohawk troll said, with a genuinely happy smile on his face. Dave could tell right away that this kid was a nerd, but he was the adorkable kind. He probably played Troll Pokemon or something.

"Yeth, I thuppothe it ith," repiled the lisp troll. Dave was starting to get very annoyed with his lisp, very quickly.

"So you didn't just get married for the halibut, huh, Kar-katfish? Looks like this one's for reel." The fish pun troll was now decidedly Dave's least favorite. He wanted her to just completely fade from this plane of existence and leave him the FUCK alone.

"Maybe I could marry someone from the Land of the Livving and Futures someday, too..."

Karkat groaned. "GREAT. SUDDENLY MY ACCIDENTAL MARRIAGE TO THIS BASTARD BECAME AN UPLIFTING STORY OF HOPE FOR ALL DEAD PEOPLE THAT THEY CAN MAYBE FIND LOVE SOMEDAY TOO. AND LET GO OF MY FUCKING HAND, STRIDER, FOR GOG'S SAKE, YOU'RE A PATHETIC LITTLE SHITHEAD, AREN'T YOU."

Dave did as he was instructed and let go of Karkat's hand.

However, he couldn't help but wonder something.

"Wait, if I'm down here, then how the fuck do I get back to the Land of Living and Futures?"


	5. >Bree: Interrupt the story and fangirl over Act 7 of Homestuck like the wretched scum you are.

Just a random note here, but THE ENDING OF HOMESTUCK THOUGH.

Okay, um... I don't really know the significance of all of the events showcased in the ending, but I do personally believe that the conclusion was just. (Also, WV getting an ACTUAL Can Town and ruling it with PM? D'awwww.)

I will evaluate relationships and other parts of the ending now.

Roxy/John: No quadrant, as of the ending. They did both have flush crushes on each other, but I don't think their relationship was given enough time to develop into anything much, so I believe that either they have chosen to remain friends, or they are currently working towards a relationship together. While I think that Roxy might have been open to taking a shot at it so early on in the development of their feelings, I don't think John would be.

Calliope/Roxy: I personally believe that the trolls would call Roxy and Calliope's relationship to be a moirallegiance. While it's hard to say for certain how long this will last, I think it's a fair argument that they've become moirails. (Either it's a moirallegiance, or it's simply a very strong case of platonic friendship.)

Rose/Kanaya: Rose and Kanaya are still extremely devoted matesprits to one another. They've been extremely devoted to each other across multiple timelines, so there's really no reason for them not to continue the relationship. And while they're not shown holding hands or anything, they are still together during the ending, and I think that it's the most plausible thing to assume that they are still matesprits.

Dirk/Jake: Either platonic friendship or moirallegiance. Both of them have canonically expressed that they were sorry for the things that they had done to one another in their relationship, and I do believe that they have moved on. While I do get the hint of some lingering feelings on Jake's end, I think the two have chosen to pursue a much healthier friendship.

Dave/Karkat: Either sitting between a moirallegiance or a matespritship, with the former, in my opinion, being the more likely of the two. While I would definitely LOVE to say that they've gone for a matespritship, I can't really say that their time spent together necessarily outright confirms this. However, I do believe that before the ending, they had been given a fairly decent development as a potential flush crush. This means that they could potentially become matesprits. However, I do believe that they rest more in the pale quadrant, as of the ending.

Dave/Jade: Platonic friendship, possible platonic love. It should be worth mentioning that while most of the other characters are shown in pairs (the exception being Roxy, John, and Calliope, but this is plausible since it's been established that Roxy and Calliope are very close), Dave, Karkat, and Jade are together, playing cards. However, while Davesprite and Jade did have a romantic relationship, and it's entirely plausible that Jade may still have feelings for Dave as a whole, I don't think that Dave reciprocates. He does, however, care deeply for her, which makes the theory of platonic love between them a fairly solid case, in my opinion.

Jade/Karkat: Platonic friendship. Besides the obvious flirting Karkat did with Jade much earlier in the story, not much has been shown between these two. Jade flat-out states that she doesn't really like Karkat all that much. However, I believe this could be a case of her liking him solely because he makes Dave happy, which would give both Dave/Jade's relationship and Dave/Karkat's relationship a much more solid basis.

Jane: Currently not in any quadrants. She simply just wants to spend time with her father before she jumps into any serious relationships, platonic or romantic.

WV/PM: This one seems fairly ambiguous to me. This relationship is the only one I don't really have a solid basis for. While I have a theory that they're working towards a potential matespritship (much like I believe the relationship between Roxy and John is working towards), I also have a theory that they are simply moirails (with flushed vaciliation on WV's part) or platonic friends. Canonically, WV has shown interest in PM, but PM has never really been given much screentime with WV, and the times she does, there is little proof of her reciprocating any flushed feelings for him.

But those are simply my interpretations. Until further light is shed on the situations, I can't say that my theories are correct, nor can I really say that they have a solid basis. However, based on the circumstances given as canon, I can say that these are what I most believe.

I also don't want to elaborate on relationships between family members (i.e., evaluating a quadrant for Dirk and Dave, Roxy and Rose, Jane and John, or Jake and Jade), since I don't see any real relationships there. (Other than perhaps a strong platonic friendship between Dirk and Dave.)

But yeah, I'm very sorry for this interruption to the story! I know that many people will be sorely disappointed to find this in the middle of the story, but I wanted to share my thoughts on Act 7 with all of you!

Until next chapter, (where I promise things will actually happen)

-Bree

EDIT - 6/6/16: Okay so it turns out that Davekat matespritship is confirmed canon.

*begins screaming endlessly into the void*

*the void, through Roxy, simply says "yo wtf"*


	6. > Dave: Catch up with Karkat.

He couldn't even remember the last time he had seen Karkat's face. How long had it been since the two had been face-to-face like this?

Karkat looked at him and shrugged. "I DON'T KNOW. I'VE NEVER REALLY TRIED TO GO BACK TO THE LAND OF LIVING AND FUTURES. WELL, EXCEPT FOR WHEN I CAME AFTER YOU. Y'KNOW, AFTER WE GOT MARRIED. WHICH, I STILL DON'T REALLY GET WHY I EVEN WANTED TO GO THROUGH WITH THAT DUMB WISH IN THE FIRST PLACE. LIKE, I KNOW THAT I'M A SAD SACK, BUT JESUS. I MEAN, AFTER ALL OF THIS, THIS MARRIAGE IS ACTUALLY MORE OF A LIABILITY THAN AN ASSET. REALLY, EVERYTHING IS GETTING FUCKED UP AND BLURRING TOGETHER IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW. I HATE BEING DEAD I HATE BEING DEAD I HATE BEING DEAD I HATE BEING DEAD-"

Dave grabbed hold of Karkat's hand, in an attempt to calm him down. (It was also partially an attempt for Dave to calm HIMSELF down as well, but he would never freely admit that, because he was too cool for that kind of needy, dependent bullshit.)

"Hey, hey. Don't worry about it, man. Everything's going to be fine. You and I are going to get through this. I'm gonna make it back to the Land of Living and Futures, and you're going to be divorced in no time. Shit'll be kept tight. Every little thing is gonna be alright." He gave a half-smirk, to which Karkat rolled his eyes. Dave wasn't surprised in the slightest. Karkat had always been that way.

"SERIOUSLY, STOP BEING CHEESY, STRIDER. YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME THROW UP IF YOU KEEP DOING THAT."

Dave rolled his eyes. "Way to be fuckin' melodramatic as shit, Vantas. So proud. You've changed SO much since we were young." He hoped that Karkat could sense his voice oozing pure liquid human sarcasm, but he wasn't holding his breath.

"EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED, BUT BEING DEAD REALLY SUCKS BULGE. I THINK THAT I'M ALLOWED TO BE A LITTLE ON EDGE. AND IF THAT INCONVENIENCES YOU, MR. 'I WEAR SUNGLASSES NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME LOOK MYSTERIOUS AND COOL SO THAT I CAN GET CHICKS TO WANT TO BANG ME', I'M TERRIBLY SORRY. MAYBE IF I *DO* VOMIT, I'LL COVER YOU IN IT, SO YOU CAN BASK IN THE GLORY OF MY HATRED BILE. NO, YOU'D PROBABLY FIND IT IRONIC IN SOME SORT OF FUCKED UP WAY."

He let go of Karkat's hand, knowing that he wasn't going to win this battle. "Seriously man, just... fucking chill. We're going to make it through this. We might as well already make the divorce final. It's not like we got hitched at a sleazy chapel in Vegas with Elvis Presley as the minister."

Karkat looked at him confusedly. "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT TROLL ELVIS PRESLEY DOES WEDDINGS NOW?"

Dave shook his head. There was no way for Dave to explain this without confusing Karkat. "You know what? Never mind. That allegory was going nowhere at the fucking speed of light. Also, aren't Elvis Presley and TROLL Elvis Presley the same thing? Considering we both live on the same planet now? And that you've lived on Earth longer than you lived on Alternia?"

Karkat's mouth opened to a giant 'O' shape, as though he were extremely offended by what Dave had just asked. "YOU FUCKING TAKE THAT BACK. YOUR PUNY, WORTHLESS ELVIS WILL NEVER BEAT MINE. HE IS SIMPLY THE BEST THERE IS."

"Again, never mind that. Look, what I'm trying to say is that we're going to be fine. The divorce will go through and bada-bing, bada-boom, it's as though this whole thing never happened."

"GREAT. BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER GODDAMN MINUTE WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING RING ON MY FINGER, I'M GOING TO HAVE A FUCKING BREAKDOWN OF EPIC PROPORTIONS."

"Is being married to me really all that awful?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively in Karkat's direction.

In response, the troll simply began to blush up a storm, as he crossed his arms and turned away from Dave. "I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN, I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKING BULGE OFF AND FORCEFEED IT TO YOU WITH A FUCKING SPOON, A LA HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE, SHITLORD."

Dave immediately tensed up in defense. "Alright, alright, yikes. Could you maybe chill?"

"NO, HOW ABOUT MAYBE *YOU* CHILL, STRIDER. THERE IS NOTHING MORE IN THIS FUCKING UNIVERSE THAT I WOULD LOVE MORE THAN TO BE RID OF YOU FOR GOOD SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR YOU PLAY UP YOUR STUPID 'COOL KID' PERSONA. SERIOUSLY, IT'S PATHETIC.

"YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN, IRONY PERSONIFIED, AND THAT YOU'RE SO MYSTERIOUS THAT LADIES TEND TO RANDOMLY SPROUT BONERS FOR YOU AT EVERY OTHER TURN, BUT IN ALL ACTUALITY, YOU'RE JUST A COWARD." Karkat continued, his blush finally beginning to die away. "YOU DON'T AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, SO YOU ACT LIKE YOU AMOUNT TO EVERYTHING. THAT'S THE WAY IT'S BEEN SINCE WE WERE KIDS!

"AND YOU STILL REFUSE TO LET GO OF THAT, LIKE THE INSUFFERABLE PRICK YOU FUCKING ARE! YOU'VE KEPT UP THIS SORRY FACADE SINCE YOU WERE A FUCKING KID. YOU'VE KEPT THIS UP, AND SOMEHOW YOU REFUSE TO LET GO OR ADMIT THAT ON THE INSIDE, YOU'RE NOT NEARLY AS 'COOL' OR 'PERFECT' AS YOU MAKE YOURSELF OUT TO BE. I'M ALREADY FUCKING SICK OF IT. I'M NOT SURE WHETHER I'M GOING TO VOMIT FROM THE CHEESINESS OR FROM YOUR INCESSANT DOUCHEY ATTITUDE AT THIS POINT."

Behind his shades, Dave was on the verge of tears. He couldn't believe that KARKAT, of all people, could say that to him. If HE could say that, then there was really no telling what he could do. Karkat had always been a fucking mess, but he had never called Dave out for that before. He was scared. REALLY scared.

Karkat seemed to sense that something was going on, because he stopped yelling (at least, he stopped yelling as loudly as he did before) and asked, "ARE YOU OKAY? DO I NEED TO BREAK OUT THE TISSUE BOX?"

He tried to put a hand onto Dave's shoulder, but Dave quickly smacked it away. "No, I don't need your sympathy. You're right. You're fucking right. I'm a fucking douchebag that doesn't deserve to be happy. I'm a hairless albino dickmonkey that needs to get married to Kanaya Maryam even though it's pretty obvious that she and my sister have a thing going between them just so I can appease my alcoholic mother and my asshole father that doesn't even seem to care about me." He looked down at the ground, refusing to look to see if Karkat was even listening to him.

And when he felt Karkat's hand on his shoulder again, his heart fluttered in a way unlike any other that he had experienced when thinking about Karkat ever before. He was really in love with him, wasn't he? He felt like he was drowning and there wasn't a boat around for miles. His head was bobbing in the water, and there were two horrible, annoying fish-trolls making terrible puns and repeating letters.

When he heard Karkat speak next, it was the softest he had ever heard him speak. Maybe it wasn't even in all capitals like it normally was, it was that low.

"I never said that you didn't deserve to be happy."

And suddenly, there it was. A raft, that was safe, and warm, and full of Karkat. (That metaphor sounded much better in his head. So. Much. Better.)

Dave put his head up, looking around to see if there was anyone else around, and he was surprised when he saw that there weren't any other dead trolls around. He breathed a sigh of relief, almost certain that it was just a dream and that he would end up waking up to find the lisping troll standing right next to him. He looked right into Karkat's eyes, and suddenly, he felt like removing his sunglasses.

He had never done this before.

Not even when he was young. He and Rose had modified his glasses when he was super small, and he'd kept them on ever since. Rose had been much more open with her albinism, and had embraced the bright purple her genetics had created in her irises. However, Dave had always had a hard time making friends because so many kids had been afraid of his red eyes. He had never shown any other kids save for one, who he couldn't remember.

But now that he was standing in front of Karkat, the guy he had felt for for years, the useless dead troll he had just accidentally married, he was going to do it.

He kept his eyes closed until he had made sure that his glasses were in his pocket, before opening them to look at him. When he saw the shock turn to comfort in Karkat's eyes, he felt even better about showing him than he had been before.

"You could've told me that you had something that was really fucked up and red too, Strider," he said, laughing. He didn't sound scratchy, another first. "If you would've told me, I never would've judged you." He smirked at Dave, and the feelings returned almost twice as strong they had been before. They were back with a vengeance, and he wasn't sure if that was necessarily a bad thing when he was talking about Karkat.

Dave laughed back in response. "Heh. So you're telling me that my status as resident hairless albino dickmonkey isn't that bad of a thing?" he looked at Karkat, hoping that every feeling that he was trying to convey was going to show through his eyes. There was something strangely comforting about the idea of Karkat knowing how much he liked him, and he felt somewhat glad that the expressiveness of Karkat's face could give away what he was thinking at any given moment.

And then Karkat started blushing.

"S-SHUT UP, STRIDER. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE THE PATRON SAINT OF DECENT ALBINO HUMANS, OKAY?"

There he was. Back to his good old, crabby self.

"Whatever. Since we're married now, could you at least hold my hand or something unambiguously platonic like that?"


End file.
